It really happens, watch out ladies.

For real. I didn't see it coming, but I am turning into my mother.

The other day I left the house in the freakiest assortment of ugly clothes you can possibly imagine. I was going out in PUBLIC to MEET someone and I just grabbed whatever outerwear happened to already be sitting around in my car and put it on. My hair was crazy, I had a giant zit, and I guess I thought "well I can hardly look any more horrible, so what will this giant puffy purple down jacket that makes me look like a man hurt?" Then, because it is winter, my ears got cold and I had to wear a hat made for my SON. It is a knit hat shaped like a pumpkin and I willingly put it on my head and wore it around for a good hour. I should note that this pumpkin hat also has a stem, leaf, and curly tendril sticking out the top. AND I WORE IT IN PUBLIC like some kind of mental patient.

My sister advised me, "You should always dress as if you are going to run into your husband's ex-girlfriend." If I had run into anyone who used to know me when I was cute and put together I probably would have pretended to be someone else. Someone such as my sister, cause we look a lot alike and who cares if people think she goes out on the town dressed like the michelin man in a child's hat?

Lucky for you, there are no photographs of this horrible ensemble. So I drew a picture to illustrate. The girl with no nose or eyebrows actually looks way nicer than I actually did.

I can't find the cord that connects my camera to my computer, so I think I may be drawing my blog pictures for a while. Try not to be impressed by the quality of this rendering. I am currently working on a picture of a drawer full of mouse poop to go along with my next post.

The people who lived here before were GROSS.

That title is not witty, but it is a FACT. We have spent weeks and weeks and weeks cleaning and everytime I get down on my hands and knees to scrub something I hate them more. I'm going to be brief because every time I think about these horrible people my blood pressure goes up.

And it's not like I'm some kind of fanatic for cleanliness either. I have very very very low standards. If there were a continuum of cleanliness I would probably fall somewhere below slovenly bachelor and above drunken fraternity brother. I don't pee on the floor, but I don't pick my socks up either.

This is foul, but it will give you an idea of how nasty these folks were: when we moved in, every drawer in the kitchen was filled with mouse poop. For real. And not like one brown spot where you're like, is that a mouse poop or a crumb of burnt toast? Piles and piles of crap. And some of it was all squashed up, like the mice kept walking around in their own feces for a while.

I hated the last owners so much right then I think I had a little stroke.

Lest anyone who comes over for dinner now feel compelled to bring their own silverwear, don't worry, I cleaned every inch and crevice of those drawers like my life depended on it. I employed a sanitizing steamer, cleaning solution that will burn the hair off your head, and steel wool. I scrubbed so hard that I stripped the finish off.

I hate them.

It's harder than I thought to draw a good picture of a drawer full of mouse crap, but I gave it my best shot.

Lord, I hate those people.

Very interesting. Now I will shun you.

Am I the only person who ever watched this show? It was on the cartoon network or comedy central recently and I still kind of loved it. The characters are Hill people (rich, beautiful, vapid) and Valley people (going about their day surrounded by toxic waste).

The town I just moved to has a "hill section" and a "valley section". One of them is considered to be better than the other. Guess which one I live in.

I found this out when I went to a new residents meeting a few months ago.

I ended up sitting next to a woman who was only three years older than I am, but had already jumped the shark into "old lady clothes" territory. She was wearing coral lipstick, and a shirt with little bedazzled teapots and cups on it. I was wearing no makeup and a shirt that quite possibly was originally part of a long underwear set. I probably looked a little homeless, which is maybe not the best first impression to make.

She smiled at me.

I smiled back.

"Do you live on the hill, or in the valley?" She said.

"Oh shit", I thought.

I got the hint immediately- there is a good side of town and a bad side. "Please let me live on the right side of the tracks." I prayed silently.

"On the hill?" I croaked out.

"OH." She pulled away from me a little bit, wincing.

It was like I said I live in a giant poop, or in a van down by the river.

"Well, I'm sure it's very nice there too." She smiled condescendingly. I felt like she almost reached out to pat my knee out of pity, but didn't want to risk touching a hill person.

The kindness of strangers

Usually I can't stand people, but every once and a while I am reminded that humanity is pretty great!




















Once, on a college road trip, I dropped my driver's license and university ID outside a Walgreens in Ohio. I didn't even notice until the next Friday night when, obviously, I wanted to go out and found that I had no ID at all. I sulked around the apartment by myself all weekend digging through pants pockets and looking under the bed a million times. In the end, a complete stranger found my IDs and mailed them back to my mom's house (the address on my driver's license). There was no return address, so I wasn't able to thank them, but it really stuck with me. Instead of just walking by, this person took the time to do the right thing. And a grumpy college student was able to go to the bars once again. Sigh. Happy ending!

A few weeks ago a similar faith-renewing event took place. Except it was scarier and involved helicopters.

My son can't get enough of airplanes ("hairpins!") so my mother-in-law and I took him to a local airfield to watch the planes take off and land. Long story short: a helicopter pilot waiting for his student to arrive saw him watching and invited us past the gate and onto the tarmac to take a look at the helicopter up close. He even asked if my son wanted to get inside and sit at the controls. I wanted to say, "my son will rip off ten pieces of your delicate helicopter controls in two seconds." But I just declined that offer politely.

Then the student arrived. This "student" was around seventy years old, immaculately dressed, and driving a Porsche convertible. He was very soft-spoken, and when I said, "Thank you so much for letting us see the helicopter, have a great lesson!" He replied quietly, "would you and your son like to take a ride?"

I am normally such a big wuss, so I don't know what possessed me to yell, "YES WE WOULD!" and start cramming my tiny son into the backseat of a crazy flying machine piloted by a seventy year old helicopter student.

Unfortunately, my son was having none of it. He refused to get in, and stayed behind with my mother-in-law while I set off on my first helicopter flight. The student pays for his training time obviously, and was generously spending his own time and money flying me around on an adventure.

I remember thinking, man, my husband is going to be so jealous! It was so, so beautiful (New Jersey in the fall- I could see the city!) and so, so terrifying (like flying around in a giant toy). Very different from an airplane- I kind of felt like I was floating around above the ground in a giant bubble. The picture above is the actual helicopter I rode in!

If any of my approximately three blog readers ever want to take a helicopter flight (the pilot does flights over New York and Philadelphia) here is the link to his website. He REALLY LOVES helicopters. http://www.helicopter-training.net/school-info.php?school=KeyAir-Helicopters&school_id=416&location_id=734&featured=yes&category_id=3

My day? Oh, it was great. Especially the part when I dropped my keys down a well.

I need to start carrying my camera with me, because I think a good well picture would really add some pizazz here.

So, my keys are in a well in a state park. I am currently unable to gain entry to my house, car, or mailbox.

I thought, when I approached the ranger station looking embarrassed, that they were going to say something along the lines of, "Ha, ha, don't worry, this happens all the time!" Instead they were more like, "How did the keys get in the well? Was this some sort of dare?"

It seems there is ONE volunteer who occasionally climbs down the well to collect loose change. You would think that if this guy is willing to risk his life climbing into a three hundred year old well that might collapse in on him at any minute in order to gather up three quarters and a penny, he would be willing to scoot down there to retrieve my keys.

It further seems that only one of the three park rangers who work this park is not obese. He didn't seem very keen on getting in the well, and the other two won't fit.

The well looks rustic and charming, but it is an evil black hole for keys (I can't even see them at the bottom).

Maybe you could just take all the books and start your own library

To recap: we are moving and I decided to take only my favorite two hundred or so books with me. These other losers are getting donated unless someone wants to read one? Some of them are pretty good, but just didn't make the cut. Some I bought with every intention of reading but deep down I know I will never get to them.

Memoirs/Personal Essay Collections:

• Miss American Pie (according to back cover- about growing up in the 70's)
• Fraud (according to back cover- really funny)
• Shiksa Goddess (my mom read this one and liked it)

Leftovers:

• Garden of Beasts by Jeffrey Deaver (probably good and suspenseful)
• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (if you read my previous posts, you know that this book has spent some time in our fireplace. Also, my son ate a little bit of the cover off. Is there anyone out there who didn't read this growing up???)
• A Rare Murder in Princeton (I grew up near Princeton so thought maybe I would enjoy reading about someone getting murdered in my town? According to the cover there are recipes included. Of what, I have no idea)
• Writing a Woman's Life (I doubt this is going to be in high demand unless someone has a term paper to write)
• The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen (This won a National Book Award! Someone should read it and then lend it back to me if it is any good)
• Sisters of the Road (mystery, I think)
• Handling Sin (This looks good, but it's over 600 pages long, and since it's not Harry Potter, I don't have time for it)

Halloween costume preview

For Halloween this year I really wanted my son to be a presidential candidate. Mostly because I think he looks cute with his hair combed and parted. Imagine that stern hairdo with a miniature suit and red tie with a little American flag pin on the lapel. Hee hee! Anyway, I didn't have any luck finding a suit or tie. I didn't look very hard, so it's not too surprising that I didn't have any luck. I did find a flag pin, which isn't going to do me much good since he is going to be something else.

We had a sailor costume fitting session a few days ago, and as you can see by the picture, it went great. I mean, really fantastic. Boy, he could have worn that thing ALL NIGHT. He was practically begging me to let him sleep in it. Yes sir. He was like, I wish I could wear this every day. It's not itchy or constricting at all!

Too bad for him, it also has a matching hat.