Very interesting. Now I will shun you.

Am I the only person who ever watched this show? It was on the cartoon network or comedy central recently and I still kind of loved it. The characters are Hill people (rich, beautiful, vapid) and Valley people (going about their day surrounded by toxic waste).

The town I just moved to has a "hill section" and a "valley section". One of them is considered to be better than the other. Guess which one I live in.

I found this out when I went to a new residents meeting a few months ago.

I ended up sitting next to a woman who was only three years older than I am, but had already jumped the shark into "old lady clothes" territory. She was wearing coral lipstick, and a shirt with little bedazzled teapots and cups on it. I was wearing no makeup and a shirt that quite possibly was originally part of a long underwear set. I probably looked a little homeless, which is maybe not the best first impression to make.

She smiled at me.

I smiled back.

"Do you live on the hill, or in the valley?" She said.

"Oh shit", I thought.

I got the hint immediately- there is a good side of town and a bad side. "Please let me live on the right side of the tracks." I prayed silently.

"On the hill?" I croaked out.

"OH." She pulled away from me a little bit, wincing.

It was like I said I live in a giant poop, or in a van down by the river.

"Well, I'm sure it's very nice there too." She smiled condescendingly. I felt like she almost reached out to pat my knee out of pity, but didn't want to risk touching a hill person.

The kindness of strangers

Usually I can't stand people, but every once and a while I am reminded that humanity is pretty great!




















Once, on a college road trip, I dropped my driver's license and university ID outside a Walgreens in Ohio. I didn't even notice until the next Friday night when, obviously, I wanted to go out and found that I had no ID at all. I sulked around the apartment by myself all weekend digging through pants pockets and looking under the bed a million times. In the end, a complete stranger found my IDs and mailed them back to my mom's house (the address on my driver's license). There was no return address, so I wasn't able to thank them, but it really stuck with me. Instead of just walking by, this person took the time to do the right thing. And a grumpy college student was able to go to the bars once again. Sigh. Happy ending!

A few weeks ago a similar faith-renewing event took place. Except it was scarier and involved helicopters.

My son can't get enough of airplanes ("hairpins!") so my mother-in-law and I took him to a local airfield to watch the planes take off and land. Long story short: a helicopter pilot waiting for his student to arrive saw him watching and invited us past the gate and onto the tarmac to take a look at the helicopter up close. He even asked if my son wanted to get inside and sit at the controls. I wanted to say, "my son will rip off ten pieces of your delicate helicopter controls in two seconds." But I just declined that offer politely.

Then the student arrived. This "student" was around seventy years old, immaculately dressed, and driving a Porsche convertible. He was very soft-spoken, and when I said, "Thank you so much for letting us see the helicopter, have a great lesson!" He replied quietly, "would you and your son like to take a ride?"

I am normally such a big wuss, so I don't know what possessed me to yell, "YES WE WOULD!" and start cramming my tiny son into the backseat of a crazy flying machine piloted by a seventy year old helicopter student.

Unfortunately, my son was having none of it. He refused to get in, and stayed behind with my mother-in-law while I set off on my first helicopter flight. The student pays for his training time obviously, and was generously spending his own time and money flying me around on an adventure.

I remember thinking, man, my husband is going to be so jealous! It was so, so beautiful (New Jersey in the fall- I could see the city!) and so, so terrifying (like flying around in a giant toy). Very different from an airplane- I kind of felt like I was floating around above the ground in a giant bubble. The picture above is the actual helicopter I rode in!

If any of my approximately three blog readers ever want to take a helicopter flight (the pilot does flights over New York and Philadelphia) here is the link to his website. He REALLY LOVES helicopters. http://www.helicopter-training.net/school-info.php?school=KeyAir-Helicopters&school_id=416&location_id=734&featured=yes&category_id=3

My day? Oh, it was great. Especially the part when I dropped my keys down a well.

I need to start carrying my camera with me, because I think a good well picture would really add some pizazz here.

So, my keys are in a well in a state park. I am currently unable to gain entry to my house, car, or mailbox.

I thought, when I approached the ranger station looking embarrassed, that they were going to say something along the lines of, "Ha, ha, don't worry, this happens all the time!" Instead they were more like, "How did the keys get in the well? Was this some sort of dare?"

It seems there is ONE volunteer who occasionally climbs down the well to collect loose change. You would think that if this guy is willing to risk his life climbing into a three hundred year old well that might collapse in on him at any minute in order to gather up three quarters and a penny, he would be willing to scoot down there to retrieve my keys.

It further seems that only one of the three park rangers who work this park is not obese. He didn't seem very keen on getting in the well, and the other two won't fit.

The well looks rustic and charming, but it is an evil black hole for keys (I can't even see them at the bottom).

Maybe you could just take all the books and start your own library

To recap: we are moving and I decided to take only my favorite two hundred or so books with me. These other losers are getting donated unless someone wants to read one? Some of them are pretty good, but just didn't make the cut. Some I bought with every intention of reading but deep down I know I will never get to them.

Memoirs/Personal Essay Collections:

• Miss American Pie (according to back cover- about growing up in the 70's)
• Fraud (according to back cover- really funny)
• Shiksa Goddess (my mom read this one and liked it)

Leftovers:

• Garden of Beasts by Jeffrey Deaver (probably good and suspenseful)
• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (if you read my previous posts, you know that this book has spent some time in our fireplace. Also, my son ate a little bit of the cover off. Is there anyone out there who didn't read this growing up???)
• A Rare Murder in Princeton (I grew up near Princeton so thought maybe I would enjoy reading about someone getting murdered in my town? According to the cover there are recipes included. Of what, I have no idea)
• Writing a Woman's Life (I doubt this is going to be in high demand unless someone has a term paper to write)
• The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen (This won a National Book Award! Someone should read it and then lend it back to me if it is any good)
• Sisters of the Road (mystery, I think)
• Handling Sin (This looks good, but it's over 600 pages long, and since it's not Harry Potter, I don't have time for it)

Halloween costume preview

For Halloween this year I really wanted my son to be a presidential candidate. Mostly because I think he looks cute with his hair combed and parted. Imagine that stern hairdo with a miniature suit and red tie with a little American flag pin on the lapel. Hee hee! Anyway, I didn't have any luck finding a suit or tie. I didn't look very hard, so it's not too surprising that I didn't have any luck. I did find a flag pin, which isn't going to do me much good since he is going to be something else.

We had a sailor costume fitting session a few days ago, and as you can see by the picture, it went great. I mean, really fantastic. Boy, he could have worn that thing ALL NIGHT. He was practically begging me to let him sleep in it. Yes sir. He was like, I wish I could wear this every day. It's not itchy or constricting at all!

Too bad for him, it also has a matching hat.

The problem with people who are me

They leave their cell phone on the bathroom vanity behind the toothpaste and then blame their children when they can't find it.

The problem with toddlers

Well, I could write a hundred posts on this topic, but the situation at hand is: they lose things and are terribly creative about it. Imagine that you live in an idyllic world which doesn't include a toddler and you can't find your cell phone. It could really only be a limited number of places; your purse, in the car, a coat pocket, in the couch cushions. Places like that.

With a toddler, the number of places your missing cell phone (or keys, or anything else that is really important) could be expands exponentially. They pick up some item of interest and escape with it. When they spot some fun location in your house they shove it in there and wander off.

My son likes to cram things in the garbage can and say "bye bye". Sometimes I notice and sometimes I don't. Items rescued from the trash: dustpan and brush, legos, cat food dish (more than once). Items not rescued from the trash: I shudder to think.

He also regularly sticks things behind the grate in our gas fireplace. Items I found the last three times I removed the grate just in case: spatula (two), puzzle pieces (horse and goat), pretzel rod (half eaten), Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, comb shaped like octopus.

My cell phone could be ANYWHERE!!! I'll give you a minute to let the enormity of that statement sink in. I'm sure you have never lost something and then stumbled across it only to say, "Oh! How happy I am to have found my favorite widget in the toilet/ the diaper pail/ the stove broiler/ behind a bush in my neighbor's yard." With a toddler these are very real possibilities. Things could be behind books in your bookcase, or in a drawer you never open (say, the one full of exercise clothes). My phone could be in a shoe at the back of my closet, or in the cat litter box. The options are endless and terrifying.

Book posts are pretty dull, sorry

I hope all this talk of books I am too lazy to read has stirred a desire for increased literacy in someone out there. I forgot what I said the next three categories were going to be, so here they are with new names and in a different order.



Category 3: Books I Have Read and Mostly Enjoyed

• Tears of the Giraffe. This is the second book in the Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency series. I lent the first one to my mom, who lent it to my grandmother, who probably lent it to someone else and I'll never see it again. You don't have to read them in order though; the whole series is great! The main character is a female detective in Botswana. These books are (mostly) very light hearted and make Botswana seem like a place you would want to go on vacation. The characters are very likeable. If nobody speaks up about wanting this book, I am going to just pick someone at random and force them to read it.


• Word Freak. This book is about competitive Scrabble. For real. A whole book about Scrabble and the bizarre folks who play in Scrabble tournaments. Probably one of the top ten nerdiest pursuits ever. The thing is, by the time I finished this I was like, "I'm going to become a competitive Scrabble player!" Oh yeah, it gets to you.


• Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. I liked it. I thought it would be depressing, but it wasn't.


• The Uncommon Reader. The queen takes up reading. This is a novella, good if you don't have enough time for an actual novel. It's a little bit proper though, being about the queen and all.


• The Dive from Clausen's Pier. I haven't actually read this one.

Category 4: Mysteries. Of the Something Happens and Who Caused it/Killed it/Stole it Variety. Not Like, Mysteries of the Universe.

• Maisie Dobbs. I think the cover is a wood block print! I did a wood block print in high school of a girl brushing her teeth. Boy, that was tedious to carve.
• Code to Zero. This is by Ken Follett, who is usually good for a page turner.
• The Necropolis Railway. Neat title.
• The Intelligencer. I actually have no idea if this is a mystery, because I lost the dust jacket. But the title seems kind of mysterious, and I opened it up at random and read this sentence, "Their spy had incredible cover." So that seems pretty mysterious too.

Moving West!

I know the title of this blog, paired with the title of this post, make it seem like I am embarking on a daring adventure. Something along the lines of moving to California during the gold rush. The much lamer truth is that I am moving 40 minutes farther west in the same state.

Anyway, I have made an elaborate packing plan which involves giving everything away because I am too lazy to pack it. So I am going through our bookcase now and before I donate all my books to charity I thought I would see if there is anything here my friends and family might like to read. Let me know, peeps.

Can you also let me know if my links are working? I am new to this and kind of slow on the internet uptake.

Category 1: Well Known Books I Should Read, but I Don't Feel Like it.

• Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (I bought this because I thought my husband would like it, but he reads like one book a year and I'm not hanging on to this until 2040 with the hope that he gets around it.)
• All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot (I read this! It is about a country/farm vet in 1937. The cover says "The heartwarming true story... that has become the 'happiest book of the year'". So maybe if you like animals and feel like reading the happiest book of the year this is for you? However, the only story I remember is gross and involves a cow uterus. Just putting that out there.)
• Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth (I think this one is about sex, people. Sex!)
• The Promise by Chaim Potok (I really loved "The Chosen". So much so that I suggested to my husband that we name our son Reuven. He was, unfortunately, not very receptive to that suggestion.)
• Davita's Harp by Chaim Potok.
• Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. (Um, this is the abridged version. I have no idea what this book is about but if you have always wanted to read it but are short on time here is the abridged solution you have been waiting for.)
• David Copperfield by Charles Dickens (You will definitely be a more learned and all around better person if you read this book. I haven't read it, so you will at the very least be better than me.)
• Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger (I really meant to get around to this one, but then I remembered I didn't really love Catcher in the Rye.)

Category 2: Short Stories, Because I Don't Have a Lot of Free Time

I'm not linking these because the titles are pretty self explanatory.

• Best American Nonrequired Reading 2002 (this collection mostly stinks, but there is one hilarious story about a loser who joins Cobra, as in the enemy of G.I. Joe, and has to tell everyone he works for the phone company, because Cobra training is TOP SECRET.)
• Best New American Voices 2001 (never even opened it.)
• Best American Short Stories 1998 (ibid.)
• Best American Short Stories 2001 (There is one in here I liked about a grandfather suffering from alzheimer's who tells the same chilling war story over and over.)
• Best American Sports Writing 2006 (Read the whole book; pretty good if you like sports.)

Stay tuned tomorrow for:

Category 3: Crappy Books that Don't Require a Lot of Thinking

Category 4: Memoirs, which Make Me Feel Better About the Direction My Own Life is Taking

Category 5: Pretty Good Books, Actually